Feeling like myself?
I swam last night, and it was good.
Swimming was the one thing I enjoyed while pregnant. I felt like myself, not like a huge, ungainly, aching piece of whale meat. In fact, to date, the fastest paced swim I’ve ever done was the 1 mile swim I did at 39.5 weeks pregnant.
Since giving birth, the times that I’ve been in the pool have been amazing, and last night was no exception. I didn’t do a long swim – my goal was just to show up at the pool and get in the water. I swam 1000 yds in about 27.5 minutes (which isn’t super fast, but it was done). I worked on my flip turns (just learned how to do those a couple of weeks ago!) and then had 15 minutes of hot tub time (2nd time in over a year!).
I hopped in the hot tub while waiting for the Ambitious One to finish her swim.
I stared at a crack in the wall and thought about how much I felt like there was a crack in my walls and in my brain. As I stared at the crack, I also realized that I felt kind of…good. And then I realized that, much like when I was pregnant, being in the water makes me feel like me – not bulky, flabby, and ungainly. I started to think about what makes me happy.
A couple of weeks ago, I made this list of things that make me happy:
- Trashy paranormal romances
- Early morning coffee
- A clean house
- Lush garden
- Feeding people
- Watching the Bean giggle
- Trail running
- Watching the sun rise
I haven’t been finding enough of those things in my day-to-day life. I know what makes me feel good, and I need to try to fit those things in more often. Besides #6, I have been missing a lot of those things. It’s time to take a step back, not go for the big things, and find the simple pleasures.
I feel like the end of the dark tunnel is imminent, and that the light that is starting to be visible isn’t a train. I’ve felt like this a time or two in the past 3 months, but maybe this time it will stick. There is hope and that is reassuring.