Tales from the Locker room

Internets – I lied AGAIN! I did not work out at all yesterday. By the time I got home I was still sore, fairly grouchy, and feeling like I needed a beer more than a sweatfest.

And so, I had beer (just the one, though).

But this morning, I got up bright & early & headed off to the gym. I ran 4.5 miles (a total of 12 this week, for those keeping score). I feel fantastic. Not working out yesterday apparently was what my body needed – no hamstring or foot pain, no knee pain, no pain at all, in fact.

BUT – to make up to you, I will tell you a gross  weird creepy funny story.

Last Friday, I went to the gym after work before meeting the architect out for drinks. I ended up going a total of 4.5 miles then, too – although I walked some of them.

However, when I finished running, I went back to the lockerroom to commence being sad that I hadn’t brought a towel (no shower) or make-up (no pretty Amys) and would have to meet the architect all bedraggled & kinda sweaty looking.

*Background information* I belong to 24-Hour Fitness, which has a number of clubs in the Portland area. I have a preference for 1 of the clubs – and go to that one 90% of the time. However, when going to the gym AFTER work, I go to gym of 2nd preference, because it is on my bus route home, and having to transfer buses might make me lose my motivation. 2nd preference gym smells kinda funky, and the employees aren’t as nice. And the people who work out there tend to be weirder. *End background information*

So, I went into the (fairly large) locker room. There are many benches in this locker room. And there are 2 people besides me. They are sitting on the bench right in front of my locker. One is fully clothed. The other is wearing a towel. They are obviously having a serious conversation.

I assume that if I open my locker & start changing, they will switch to a different bench. They don’t. So now I’m naked & sweaty and they are 2 feet away. And I feel that it would now be awkward to take my naked self & my gym bag to a different area of the locker room, especially since all my stuff is already RIGHT HERE IN THIS LOCKER. *ahem*

So – I am uncomfortable with their proximity. So I eavesdrop (naturally). And they are talking about menopause.

Towel Lady says: “I think I’m running out of time – I got my period late, so I’ll like start menopause any minute now.”

Woman 2: “It’s true – the girls who started young will keep going until they’re 50.”

I thought it would make me feel less awkward if I interjected myself into their conversation. So I said: “Wow, I hope not. That would totally suck.”

Towel Lady: “ha ha ha”

Amy: “ha ha ha”

Woman 2: “Do you want to have babies?”

Amy: “no.”

Woman 2: “I like having babies.” She pulled up her shirt. “I’m on my 11th pregnancy right now.”

Towel Lady: “ha ha ha”

Amy: *crickets*

Fertile Myrtle: “I can help you have babies.”

Amy: smiles & walks to the sinks to wash her face.

When I came back, the women were clearing up their picnic (Oh, did I forget to mention that they were having a cheese & cracker PICNIC on the benches where naked people sometimes sit? Maybe I forgot to mention it because that is DISGUSTING) and Towel Lady was taking off her towel to go shower.

Fertile Myrtle apparently thought we’d bonded, so she told me an amusing story about the time her neighbor called Child Protective Services because Myrtle’s daughter was yelling.  

Amy: “ha ha ha”

I’ve never before walked out in the middle of a conversation before – even with crazy homeless people in Santa Monica – but I had to get away before her proximity impregnated me. Also, I needed a beer.

The moral of this story – do not talk to people who are crazy enough to eat cheese & crackers (with no plates! Only napkins!) off of a bench that naked people sit on.

The End.

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