Tales from the Locker room
Tales from the Locker room

Tales from the Locker room

Internets – I lied AGAIN! I did not work out at all yesterday. By the time I got home I was still sore, fairly grouchy, and feeling like I needed a beer more than a sweatfest.

And so, I had beer (just the one, though).

But this morning, I got up bright & early & headed off to the gym. I ran 4.5 miles (a total of 12 this week, for those keeping score). I feel fantastic. Not working out yesterday apparently was what my body needed – no hamstring or foot pain, no knee pain, no pain at all, in fact.

BUT – to make up to you, I will tell you a gross  weird creepy funny story.

Last Friday, I went to the gym after work before meeting the architect out for drinks. I ended up going a total of 4.5 miles then, too – although I walked some of them.

However, when I finished running, I went back to the lockerroom to commence being sad that I hadn’t brought a towel (no shower) or make-up (no pretty Amys) and would have to meet the architect all bedraggled & kinda sweaty looking.

*Background information* I belong to 24-Hour Fitness, which has a number of clubs in the Portland area. I have a preference for 1 of the clubs – and go to that one 90% of the time. However, when going to the gym AFTER work, I go to gym of 2nd preference, because it is on my bus route home, and having to transfer buses might make me lose my motivation. 2nd preference gym smells kinda funky, and the employees aren’t as nice. And the people who work out there tend to be weirder. *End background information*

So, I went into the (fairly large) locker room. There are many benches in this locker room. And there are 2 people besides me. They are sitting on the bench right in front of my locker. One is fully clothed. The other is wearing a towel. They are obviously having a serious conversation.

I assume that if I open my locker & start changing, they will switch to a different bench. They don’t. So now I’m naked & sweaty and they are 2 feet away. And I feel that it would now be awkward to take my naked self & my gym bag to a different area of the locker room, especially since all my stuff is already RIGHT HERE IN THIS LOCKER. *ahem*

So – I am uncomfortable with their proximity. So I eavesdrop (naturally). And they are talking about menopause.

Towel Lady says: “I think I’m running out of time – I got my period late, so I’ll like start menopause any minute now.”

Woman 2: “It’s true – the girls who started young will keep going until they’re 50.”

I thought it would make me feel less awkward if I interjected myself into their conversation. So I said: “Wow, I hope not. That would totally suck.”

Towel Lady: “ha ha ha”

Amy: “ha ha ha”

Woman 2: “Do you want to have babies?”

Amy: “no.”

Woman 2: “I like having babies.” She pulled up her shirt. “I’m on my 11th pregnancy right now.”

Towel Lady: “ha ha ha”

Amy: *crickets*

Fertile Myrtle: “I can help you have babies.”

Amy: smiles & walks to the sinks to wash her face.

When I came back, the women were clearing up their picnic (Oh, did I forget to mention that they were having a cheese & cracker PICNIC on the benches where naked people sometimes sit? Maybe I forgot to mention it because that is DISGUSTING) and Towel Lady was taking off her towel to go shower.

Fertile Myrtle apparently thought we’d bonded, so she told me an amusing story about the time her neighbor called Child Protective Services because Myrtle’s daughter was yelling.  

Amy: “ha ha ha”

I’ve never before walked out in the middle of a conversation before – even with crazy homeless people in Santa Monica – but I had to get away before her proximity impregnated me. Also, I needed a beer.

The moral of this story – do not talk to people who are crazy enough to eat cheese & crackers (with no plates! Only napkins!) off of a bench that naked people sit on.

The End.


    1. Another interesting tidbit – it was her 11th pregnancy (and she was having twins this time), but they didn’t all survive! I know more about this woman’s reproductive habits than I really needed to.

  1. Jen

    Wow, AWKWARD!! I haven’t had too many good conversations in the locker room… it’s just not my scene I guess. 😀

    Cheese and crackers in the locker room…. ewwwwww.

    Great job on the running though!!

    1. I try not to talk in the locker room, because, well, that’s the kind of thing that happens to me. I have a gift for attracting the craziest people. If the conversation doesn’t start off with “hey, nice shoes” or “I see we have the same water bottle, do you do that race?” then it never ends well.

  2. DISGUSTING!!! I hate locker rooms so much to begin with, this just makes it worse. Please let me know which gym is the weirder/gross one. I will avoid it in the future!

    Yoga Shala is the place I’ve gone the last 2 times. I like it, it is all spiritual and stuff.

    1. I haven’t tried Yoga Shala – I love studio yoga so much more than gym yoga – so maybe when my Birkam pass runs out (and the architect gets a job), I’ll have to check it out.

      And I am referencing the Downtown 24-hour fitness as the blech one. 🙂

  3. Ok, so this story was so incredibly funny and repulsive that I actually felt compelled to read it to MY Gazelle. Of course, he was really busy watching football so couldn’t completely pay attention…but that didn’t stop me from belly laughing AGAIN…with myself.

    Dude, there are some seriously STRANGE people at the gym. That seems to be a universal truth.

    But, I think that everyone else is weird except me anyway, so I am no judge.

    But, GROSS! A picnic in the locker room?! ACK, GAG, HURL!! Wow…eating is probably the absolute last thing I’d want to do in the locker room.

    1. eating off a bench where NAKED PEOPLE SIT (I’ve seen them) has got to be close to the top of the list of things you’d have to pay me a decent amount of money to do.

      (I also think almost everyone but me is weird, too…so it must be true, right?)

  4. Yes, great job on the running!!

    I don’t feel inclined to comment on naked woman eating cheese and crackers off of a bench in a locker room!!! Nope, i just don’t wanna talk about it….GROSS!!!


  5. that’s hilarious! talk about frumunda cheese…. i also have never been good with naked conversations in the locker room. Wifey says that women don’t actually get naked in the women’s locker rooms at our gym, which i think is strange.

    and i think the 11th pregnancy chick is really freaky. i hate it when people with kids automatically think that women without kids automatically want to have them and need their help to concieve. there’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but these judgemental bastards think there is. and it’s always women who impose this standard. dudes will high five and give the old “dodged the bullet” theories. such crap.

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