Tag Archives: food

May Motivation

Soooo….I had goals. And lo! They were awesome goals. And, with the exception of one, I knocked them out of the park.

Which one did I fumble on? (Look at me with my sportsball metaphors! Fun fact: I played softball for years, although I haven’t played since my team was kicked out of the LA blah blah blah league for a travesty on the field of play. I don’t remember exactly what happened, because afterwards, there were mimosas, but I think one of our players tried to [or possibly succeeded] in hitting an umpire.)

ANYWAY, all that being said, I messed up on the yoga goal. I’d been doing so well! So much yoga! I was going to yoga six whole times in May. I went once. One time. On May second.

*hangs head in shame*

There were so many confounding factors! We went to the coast! I had my kid’s afterschool program end of the year family night! I went to a celebration of life. (It was for a cat, but he was a very, very good cat.) The beer guy had to work and Alvie Bean is still (STILL!) not old enough to take care of himself. And on. And on.

I was very, very busy is what I’m saying.

This is exactly what I told my therapist when we were talking about how I’m too busy to add in the stuff I know needs to happen. And it’s true. I am busy. I work my day job 8 hours/day. On my lunch break and commutes, I’m usually working by either writing or editing. I generally spend 7-10:30 writing or editing each night (7:30-10:30 when I have Ye Olde Kidde), and spend a lot of the weekends writing/editing/ensuring that we don’t live in squalor.

See? Much, much too busy for pesky things like “exercise” and “eating.”

Oh yeah. Eating. (CW: disordered eating)

I prefer not to eat. If I could, I’d subsist on a diet of cheese, tartare, eggs (lightly cooked), and wine. However, I can no longer eat cheese (at least not much), and going out for tartare with quail egg every night is apparently “extravagant” and my bank says “no.”

This explains my vitamin D levels, which are low, even for Portland.

I am supposed to be brainstorming ways to talk myself into prioritizing me and my health. So far, I’ve tried yelling at myself in very motivational ways.

[I couldn’t find a meme that accurately depicted me yelling at myself without be creepy or borderline offensive. Imagine something nice and amusing here, instead.]

So, instead of being “too busy” or “too tired” to exercise/eat/take care of myself, I’m supposed to take baby steps of kindness. Which sounds kinda silly when I type it out, but for someone like me, it might be the best way.

Easily achievable goals instead of stretch goals – at least when it comes to exercise and food – are what I’m supposed to be looking at now.

For June, I will go to yoga once/week and will make a point of getting on my bike once/week. I will also do 10 minute walks (like ten minutes in a row; not a combined total of 10 minutes) once/week. I will start logging my eating again and will eat regular meals…regularly. No more “forgetting” or “being too busy to eat.”

Ugh. That looks so pathetic all written out. I want something like my schedule from eight years ago (taken directly from my workout log):

Monday – rest
Tuesday – 10 mile bike ride, 3.5 mile run, 10 minutes of upper body strength
Wednesday – 1 mile swim
Thursday – 4.5 mile hill run, 90 minute yoga class
Friday – rest/walk
Saturday – 2 hours unspecified activity
Sunday – 12.5 mile trail run

Food – not tracked, but likely I ate all the food. I looked good, yo!

Never mind that it was 9 years ago, 1 kid ago, and that I was working part time (4 days/week), hadn’t quite started grad school yet, and didn’t care about spending time with my now ex-husband. it doesn’t matter! I should 100% be able to jump right back into that schedule, right? RIGHT?

Apparently no.

So here I am, taking baby steps, not so that I can get back to that place, but so that I can imagine the possibility of getting back to that place.

So, motivation…I’m still lacking the push that it takes to go from an object at rest.

Looking for my external force.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll try faking it ’til I make it. I’ve done this before. Granted, I was a lot younger and had 100% fewer children, but I made it work once, and I can do it again.



Family Friday

Tonight, my baby (I AM NOT A BABY) comes home for five nights in a row. That’s never enough – I hate that Wednesday morning I’ll drop him off at kindergarten and won’t see him again until the following Monday after school – but I love my long stretches with my boy. In a month, we’re switching the schedule to eliminate the mid-week transition and I’ll get him for week-long stretches at a time (of course, this also means he’ll be gone for week-long stretches at a time, which is a major bummer…sigh). I would give almost anything to have him more. The sticky, cotton-candy kisses I got last night at back-to-school night are everything.


My other local family, the beer guy, is on his way to Belgium, which is his very favorite country, right now. He told me he’s eventually coming back, although for some reason, I had the return date wrong in my head (and on my calendar), and even though he kept correcting me, I still couldn’t remember the right date. I think I finally have it now, which means I’ll show up to the airport on the right day to pick him up and not leave him stranded for 24 hours. One of my favorite things to do when he’s traveling is to sky-stalk him with the Flight Aware app. He’s currently (as of this very second) flying over the flyover state of Nebraska. (Sorry, Nebraskans – but I’m from the flyover state of South Dakota…it’s just how it goes.)

One of my biggest challenges when I’m sans beer guy is to remember to eat and sleep. Yes, I know that sounds dumb, but it’s my biggest challenge. So I’m putting it out here that I will eat and sleep on the regular for the next few weeks. That means no skipping meals, no having “fruit salad” for dinner, and going to bed and to sleep at a decent hour every night.

This will NOT be me. Most of the time.

Fortunately, I have a lot to keep me busy. I’m wrapping up an editing project this weekend, just in time to get The Ruby Blade back from my editor to do revisions. I have a Raj chapter to write, I’m deep in Eleanor book 4, and I’ve started outline books 1-3 of my new series. Plus, all that kid time with the world’s best kid and future leader of a unicorn cult.

GAH! That bump!



Pyramid Schemes

So I went to my nutritionist appointment on Monday. Because I am a boy scout (in that I am always prepared; I was never actually a boy scout) I came with a detailed spreadsheet of my caloric intake over the past week.

I think the first thing I said was, “I know what I’m doing wrong.”

The nutritionist (who is currently vying with my new gynecologist as medical professional I most want to marry) said, “Of course you do. Most people do.” And then gave me a handout on something called “what the hell” syndrome. That is not a real syndrome, but it is the thing that happens when you do something you didn’t mean to (like skip your morning workout or eat a pie) and then decide that your “diet” is blown for the rest of the day/week/whatever so you just forget about goals and eat another pie.

I struggle very much with all or nothing mentality, so that is a huge problem with me.

The other awesome thing that my new nutritionist said was when we started talking about ideal weight. I said that I felt most comfortable at about 25 lbs less than I am now, but that I was pretty sure I should shoot for a 40 lb loss to be in the right range. She said that what we wanted was for me to get to where I wanted to be (as long as it was healthy, blah, blah, blah) and not an arbitrary number on a chart. She also said that after meeting me, she thought it would take some pretty unhealthy behaviors to get me down 40 lbs.

So, I have an eating plan. It has a lot of vegetables on it. It’s not that I dislike vegetables, it’s just that I like cheese better. (Speaking of cheese, we talked about calcium intake, and I said I didn’t drink milk or eat yogurt. She said I wasn’t getting enough calcium. I mentioned that I eat cheese. Apparently cheese doesn’t count as ‘dairy.’ Nutritionist lady said I’d have to eat a lotof cheese to get the calcium I needed. I said I was up for the challenge, and she laughed. I was totally serious.)

Anyway – in addition to the plan that is not an all-the-cheese-you-can-eat plan, I have flashcards to remind me to be nice to me. One of them says, “would you say that to someone you cared about? Then why say it to yourself.” To be honest, I wouldn’t say most of the things I say to myself to people I disliked. (There are a couple people out there to whom I would like to say some…things…but mostly I’m a “if you can’t say something nice…” kind of person.

I think that what I really needed was for someone to help me get into the right head space. I need to be positive about myself and find some balance. Those things are way more important than arbitrary numbers on a chart. After all, I have a tiny person keeping tabs on what I’m doing and saying and I’d like to be a positive role model.

Anyhoosits! That’s about it for that. I’ll keep you updated. BUT – come back tomorrow for pics on the Bean (which is what I think 92% of my readership is interested in).

WIP it Good

I think I’m going to get a tattoo on my left hand that says, “What do you really want?” & one on my right that says, “Are you sure the answer is ‘a cookie’?” (And maybe one on my forehead to announce to the world that I’m a Work in Progress.)

When I remember to ask myself that question, things turn out pretty well. When I forget, it’s not so good. Also – it doesn’t take much to derail my entire day. Last night, I stayed up too late to finish Marya Hornbacher’s “Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia.” And then I was sad. I don’t particularly want to be sad after midnight. I don’t sleep well when I’m sad, and after midnight, I definitely prefer to be asleep.

It was really interesting as my eating patterns can be – at times – borderline disordered. (Just ask the architect – wait, on second thought don’t – I don’t want to know what he’d have to say.) Stress really pushes me in that direction. And what causes stress for me? Divergence from my preferred patterns.

You might say I’m rigid, but I prefer structured. I go to bed at 9:30. Lights out by 10. Alarm goes off just after 5. Shower and coffee. Then up to the home office to write for an hour. Morning hugs and kisses with the Bean as he gets up and dressed and has a morning snack (skerel & grips are the current faves, along with some muk*). The architect and I pack his snacks and lunch, I make my kale smoothie and a lunch, and get ready to go.

Then work – usually meetings – and a 90 minutes window carved out every day. That window is for one of four things (sometimes two in combination): running, swimming, walking, or lunching.

Then more meetings and wicked productivity.

So – what happens when I’m up after midnight, full of sads?

I do not get up at 5 (I really don’t function well on less than 6 hours of sleep, and 7+ is ideal). I do not write. The morning is rushed. I got my smoothie, but didn’t have time to make myself lunch. My morning rushed by. I skipped my run (too tired) and skipped lunch (too busy trying to focus on work).

By two, I was cranky and stressed and headachy. Definitely not focused on work.

So, I went to the cafeteria. And surprisingly made poor food choices.

My relationship with food is not always healthy, and I definitely react to stress by either skipping meals altogether or eating all the food that appears in front of me.

I know how to avoid this. Early to bed, early to rise, etc. Recognize what I really want. Make decisions based on said wants.

What I really wanted to do was have a nice run and a small meal (salad & soup is my usual cafeteria go-to). That makes my afternoons powerhouses of productivity.

So – until I can rewire my internal reactions to stress and routine disruption, I guess I’ll just have to get those tattoos.

Probably in Comic Sans. Or Papyrus. Maybe one in each.


Or maybe just a sign.

And – if the answer to the second question is “Yes,” the by the gods, I’ll have that cookie. But if – like today – the answer really was no…well, then, I can skip it.

Everyone is a work in progress (WIP), and it’s good for me to remember that I’m not the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out yet.


*toddler translation key: cereal, grapes, and milk

Scaling Back

So – As you may have guessed, I’ve been stressing about the scale. It doesn’t tell me what I want to hear (see?).

In addition to that stress, I may have mentioned that I am on a LOT of drugs. Seriously. Lots. One of the (many) interesting side effects is that I have a really hard time gauging satiety levels. I can’t really tell when I’m hungry and when I’m full. So, I’m pretty sure I’m overeating. The answer to that is, of course, to eat less. However, portion control was a problem for me even when I could feel that I was overeating. Now that I can’t even tell, I think it’s getting worse.

I eat pretty clean. I rarely have processed foods. I make good choices. Just too many of them. I know that weight loss is like 110% diet and 5% exercise (or something), and I’ve felt like I was failing in that regard.

And then, this morning, as I moseyed on over to my Google Reader, I saw this blog post title: “Why You Shouldn’t Make Weight Loss Your Primary Goal.” The ever inspiring MizFit had a guest blogger today talking about how the real goal should be to “get healthy.” Once you are healthy, everything else will follow.

My son, the amazing Alvie Bean, is starting to watch the architect & I more and more and is starting to ape our behavior. He deserves parents who make healthy choices, don’t obsess about arbitrary numbers, and know that exercise is just another word for fun.

Get this kid a blog already!

Get this kid a blog already!

My big challenge is going to be the eating, though. I am going to have to figure out a real caloric goal, since I can’t gauge on satiety, and then measure out all my portions. (Right? That’s going to be the best way, isn’t it?)

BUT – I think if I can get into that habit (which I used to do back when I was on WW 11 years ago when I first lost weight), everything else will fall into place. I love moving, pushing my body hard, exploring new physical limits – so as long as I ramp up slowly, that will be the easy (and fun) part. (Totally typoed part as party, which yes. Yes it is.)

And a healthy mama = a happy mama = a great role model for this guy.

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