UTERUS UPDATE! (Cyborg Implant Month 1)

I know each and every one of you has been waiting with bated breath for an update on my uterus issues. THE WAIT IS OVER!

As I’m sure you recall, I had a nexplanon implant put in the end of August. (OMG – the bruising for this was horrific. I really, really want to share a picture, but I’m not going to, because I am a good person.) This was to help manage the horrific dysmenorrhea I was suffering for a week straight (the worst usually only lasted a day or two, but it was a day or two of sobbing, wracked with pain, emotional hellbeastiness and then 4-5 days of regularly awful cramps that would cause me to randomly double over with pain and work through headaches, back aches, and neck aches, not to mention the nausea and random dizziness).

My period tracker tells me that my period was due two days ago. That means that I am currently LATE! This is super exciting for someone whose cycle was lasting between 9-12 days for much of the earlier part of this year. I’m at an actual 4-week cycle this month (or maybe even longer! fingers crossed!).

The best part is that I’ve been having cramps. But not full-body, wracked with pain and sobbing until I practically throw up cramps! No! I am having midol ad cramps.

Wait – not this Midol ad!


I wouldn’t necessarily choose this one, either…


Yes! This one! She looks like she’ll be going on a hike as soon as she pops her midol!

Like, I have cramps. They’re twingy and uncomfortable. I literally don’t know how to deal with this. I had a craving for chocolate yesterday, so I had some. I haven’t cried, or pulled out the vicodin, or even grabbed my heating pad.

I feel…not bad. Almost good, even. It’s so weird.

I’m not sure I’m quite at “happy bitch” stage, but I’ll take this.

My doctor and all the studies I’ve read (because of course I was on pub med central searching for journal articles, I am not [often] a spontaneous decision maker*) laid out the following stats:

  1. 20% of users have a complete cessation of menstruation
  2. 20% of users have unpredictable menstrual cycles with extra blood
  3. 60% of users have regular cycles

Of women who’ve suffered from dysmenorrhea, 80% (give or take, depending on the study and what they were using as markers) have a drastic reduction in pain levels over the course of six months.

AND – most women who have the insert removed before it expires (three years, I think) do so because of point #2 above, and almost all within the first 3 months. I’m one month in and feeling hopeful that I’ll fall into camps 1 or 3 (I’d really, really like to be #1…for so many reasons, but mostly because my damn uterus OWES ME.

Maybe, if it repents and is good, I’ll let it stay a bit longer…I’d sure like to avoid major surgery if at all possible.

I’m hoping if I can get to a place where I’m not in pain 50% of the time and dopey from my borderline anemia, I’ll have more energy so I can start waking up and exercising and feeling all around better!

*fingers crossed*

All positive uterus thoughts accepted, although honestly, I don’t need you to spend a lot of time thinking about my uterus because that’s just weird.

*I can be spontaneous if you give me a heads up.