So – you all know I’m one claw away from being a cray-fish, right?
I’ve talked (incessantly, I know!) about my anxiety. I over-processed (no; no such thing) in this space my horrible, no good, very bad postpartum depression and anxiety.
I’m currently (and I’m sure you’re MORE than aware) in a state of anxiety that I cannot claw my way out of, even with the help of DRUGS!
Fortunately, now that I am 38, I’m more self-aware and have made sure that I saw my shrink (I think I might like this one, actually) in early September, because September is the month that shit goes down.
I have gotten over the conceit that I can manage my mental illness without medication. I cannot. Going on drugs every other fall and stopping them in early spring is not really a recipe for long-term mental health, and dammit! I want my kid to grow up with a mentally healthy mother.
So today, big things. BIG THINGS.
I am starting two new drugs, including one that has terrified me for years – ever since my initial diagnosis of Bipolar 2: Lithium.
Lithium actually has a fascinating history and has apparently been used as a mood stabilizer for 5,000 YEARS! My suggestion that I skip the pills and move to Bath to take the waters was ignored.
I’m also on another drug which isn’t nearly as fascinating, except for the note I received later from said shrink warning me about a side effect he’d forgotten to mention:
In finishing your chart note, I was reminded that one additional side effect of risperidone (Risperdal®) that I should have mentioned the raising of prolactin levels, which can in women of your age group, result in breast engorgement and in a small percentage of cases, actual milk production. Although rare, it is occasionally seen, and I did not want you to be alarmed if such should happen.
You guys, I might start lactating! I could barely do it when I’d just had a baby. If my boobs start leaking, I am going to cut a bitch.
Anyway – light box, scary drug, lactation drug, and anti-anxiety drug = druggie Amy.
Better, though, than this Amy:
The risperidone is temporary (hopefully). The Lithium might be my forever friend.
So – here’s to a new, hopefully happier chapter in my life. I’d like to stop having Alvie say, “Mommy, why are you crying? Are you sad? Can I get you a cookie?” (Kid knows already that food makes me happy.)
Cross your fingers for me that this all works out. And laugh up your sleeves that I have to go have my liver function, creatinine, and electrolytes tested at least every four weeks forever. I will be besties with the phlebotomists soon.
I am very much looking forward to being here again
In the meantime, I might need to invest in a set of these: