Monthly Archives: December 2007

It’s the end of the year as we know it….

So – 2007 is almost over. In fact, if you live in Australia, it is over. However, we’ve still got a good 11 hours to go. I’ve made my three major resolutions, and also done the 101 in 1,001 day because I like a challenge.

The last year has been….busy. I had some surgery (from which I still suffer ill effects), bought a house, flew a record five times in one year (sorry ’bout that, Earth), did a lot of home-stuff, spent more time in ERs than I can imagine (3 times for me, once for the architect), helped the architect through his surgery (from which he healed insanely fast AND is 100% better – bastard), lost 33 pounds (25 since starting WW May 30), ran 4 races, adopted a new kitten, read some excellent books, camped only twice and made some new friends.

Life – not so bad. I’m looking forward to 2008.

Amy’s Rules for Driving

Follow them or I will zap you with my bad-driver zapping implement ™

1. The speed limit is not something to be approached with fear – that is the speed at which it is safe to drive. So, if the sign says that the limit is 35, and you’re driving 25, you are bad (unless, of course, it’s blizzarding or there is a traffic jam).

2. Merging is really not that hard. Have you ever seen a zipper?

first a car on the left, then a car on the right. If you are on the approach/acceleration lane of a freeway and there is traffic, turn on your blinker and move into traffic (do not go almost to the end of the lane and then stop). Conversely, if you are on the freeway and there is traffic entering the freeway, adjust your speed to let one car in front of you. Do not stop to let the cars in. You are on the fucking freeway. You do not stop unless there are (human) body parts.

3. A four-way stop means that you stop and let anyone who stopped before you go. Not anyone who shows up while you’re there.

4. A two-way stop means you only have to stop if you actually have the stop sign. It is not necessary to stop to wave me through the intersection if I’m walking. The person coming from the other direction who also doesn’t have a stop sign might actually be following the rules and would run right over me. Just go. If you are, in fact, traveling the speed limit you will not delay my walk across the street by that much.

5. I just feel a need to reiterate the speed limit thing. I would not encourage you to drive above the speed limit if that makes you uncomfortable (lord knows I’m no speed demon), but if you could maybe just get there. Seriously. You are driving a fucking Porsche and if you can’t get to 35 then you don’t deserve the Porsche and should give it to me.

6. When you are driving, and there is a white dashed line separating two lanes, that means that there can be a car in each lane. If a car comes up on your left and attempts to pass you (probably because you are driving 25 in a 35), they are not trying to kill you. Nor will letting them drive cause a rift in the space-time continuum. They are just following the rules of the road (which are posted: slow traffic stay right) and allowing more cars to travel quickly and efficiently. Do not straddle the lanes and block the traffic. Then you are just a giant, slow asshat. Just because you have a Hummer does not make you the boss of the road.

7. Changing lanes to get around slow-moving traffic is a time honored tradition. However, when you change lanes to speed around a traffic jam, and then your lane is an exit lane, but you don’t want to exit; stopping in that lane and waiting for the traffic you just sped around to let you in (in the process blocking the people who actually want to exit) is mean and unnecessary. Traffic sucks, but now you just made it worse. And I’m not impressed with your WWJD bumper sticker. I’m pretty sure he’d be taking public transportation or riding his bicycle, not waving with his middle finger at all the people he just pissed off.

8. The fast lane was created for a reason. On a freeway, there are multiple lanes. Slower traffic (such as big trucks and 85-year-old Cadillac drivers) stay to the right. Faster traffic (like me) goes in the middle lanes. Fastest traffic is to the left. It’s stupid and dangerous to get into the left lane for no reason (such as the absence of an upcoming left-hand exit) and then drive 20 mph slower than the rest of the cars in that lane.

9. Your horn exists for a reason. To honk at asshats who have broken one of these rules. Honking at people who are not running over pedestrians is kind of rude. If they are in front of you and hit someone, that will take even longer than just waiting for the person to cross the road. So – be a little patient, but also don’t be afraid to honk if someone is egregiously violating common sense and road decency.

10. Seriously? 25 in a 35? I hope you rot in hell.

I hope that was educational. If not, you may bite me. (What? Road rage? Not me!)

Best Shirt Gift Ever

Seriously – I got this in the mail yesterday:

Kris – you are the awesomest EVER. Seriously.

That is now at the top of my top three gifted shirts, with #2 honors going to:

(I have less facial hair, though)

And #3 going to my chainsaw-wielding baby shirt that the architect gave me:

Although, if you were to get me this shirt, it might make it up into the top three!

Sadness

Terry Pratchett, one of my favorite authors, has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers.

Fortunately he hasn’t yet forgotten his sense of humor (or, well, really anything yet) and said,

I will, of course, be dead at some future point, as will everybody else. For me, this maybe further off than you think.

I know it’s a very human thing to say ‘Is there anything I can do?’ but in this case I would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry.

He says he has a few more books in him, and since he’s all British, maybe they’re making more advances with the stem-cell research there than here. A girl can hope.

BOOBS!

Rated “G” for gynecological details. You have been warned.

So….yesterday I went to my doc for my annual check-up. I also had a few issues to discuss with her. I haven’t had a regular doc since moving to PDX, and have just been seeing whoever Kaiser sticks me with. BUT, I loved yesterday’s NP and think I will stick with her.

I told her how unhappy I was with my current bcp situation – I take them continuously to try to stave off the hell that is a period with endometriosis, BUT, I have menstruated the last THREE MONTHS IN A ROW. The only person who might feel worse about that than I do is the architect. But, he won’t admit to it (because he is a wonderful man who has learned when it’s okay to be critical and when criticism will cause me to lose my shit and cry).

So, we switched pills, and the word “Lupron” was thrown around, as were the words “over my dead body.” We’ll see how these work, and then there are other options, I think, that won’t make me cry every time I have an emotion (I’ve got your mood swings right here). There was another issue that was mentioned, but I left feeling that it wouldn’t be resolved anytime soon.

However, when I got back to work yesterday, I had an email that said, “your health record has been updated.” So I went on-line to my health record, and sure enough there was a new existing condition. Hypertrophy of the breast. I may have freaked out a little. She didn’t say anything odd when doing the exam. What is this strange-sounding disease? Help!

Naturally, I turned to Dr. Google for help. Dr. Google giggled disrespectfully and told me that all that meant was that I had big boobies.

I have lost a lot of weight in the last few years, but instead of cooperating and becoming smaller like other people complain about, they have, in fact, increased in size. I know that some people regard that as a positive thing. But, since I am the person who actually has to cart them around, I think my opinion counts for a little bit more, and I am not impressed. When I was much heavier, it was no problem to support them, but now that I am a smaller person, they have passed from simply large to gargantuan. My back hurts, it hurts to run, and they make it nearly impossible to buy shirts that both button AND fit (and don’t even get me started on dresses….I seem to remember this problem from when I was in high school, and they’re EVEN BIGGER NOW)!

So, I asked about the reduction, and I passed the simple requirements test (BMI under 30, breasts are gigantic), and am now waiting for the call from the plastic surgeons. I’m hoping for new boobs by summer. That has been my super-secret reward for getting to my goal weight, and since I’m planning on getting to goal by the end of January or so, it seems like it’s all good timing.

So – cI am going to be slightly less boob-tacular in the coming months. Perhaps I will put together a brief slideshow for those of you about to go into mourning (and you know who you are). I just want to buy a sports bra in green. Or purple. Or anything but black, white, beige or pastel. Maybe there will be patterns! Oooh…and then I can buy bras that are pretty and don’t look like 100 yds of fabric were involved. Maybe a true demi-cup bra! So many possibilities.

Happy TuesBoobsDay.